HMS Got 'Em

ucbw: As mentioned in our last post, Sweet Daddy Jazz shocked...

Fri, 24 May 2013 15:56:58 -0400

As mentioned in our last post, Sweet Daddy Jazz shocked the UCBW Arena by pulling out a knife and stabbing Bob Dylan in last night’s Hardcore Match. Special Guest Announcer Beach Cop and Chugger Deets were silent as the attempted murder took place. Junior Ref JZT was shocked to his very core. Only the power of rock music and electricity were able to save Bob Dylan.

The Hardcore Division has always been for the most dangerous of Mega Stars, but last night Sweet Daddy Jazz took things to a whole new level.

(photos by Arin Sang-urai)

The knife moment was one of the most electric (pardon the pun) things I’ve ever seen in a UCBW segment. It really felt like all the rules had been broken. Super super cool, super super funny. Awesome job, Ken.

look i don’t want to crap on anyone’s deal but one reason i felt really icky during the...

Thu, 23 May 2013 14:47:00 -0400

look i don’t want to crap on anyone’s deal but one reason i felt really icky during the latest rape joke thing was that in every single one of the articles, whenever it came time to make lists of oppressed persons, not a single author thought to include “the poor.”

if as comedians and people we have a responsibility to consider the trauma we may be invoking in those around us (and i believe we do), you should know that i have nieces who are indistinguishable from Honey Boo Boo and subsequently no homeless person is “nutty” to me. i don’t think Wal-Mart photos are funny and my chest hurts every time a crowded train laughs cause it’s SHOWTIME.

when you play uneducated hicks and lowlifes, you are playing my uncles and cousins and sisters and often doing so in a way that indicates you have not given a second thought as to their humanity. there are six wonderful, beautiful, intelligent children in my immediate family at the moment and i have to live every day with the knowledge that betting odds are circumstances will turn all of them into your cartoons.

money is a privilege that shows in a million different ways but none that can be so clearly captured in a tweet. it’s nobody’s fault, but it is real, and it is present, and when it comes out, it instantly transports me back to bad nights as the shitty kid who had to sleep in the living room most of his life.

i have tried talking about these sorts of things with the wealthy and the less wealthy and even the wealthy only to people who grew up like me, and despite the best intentions your words and eyes convey the same defensiveness we saw from all those dudes. your “well my dad was poor” is their “my girlfriend laughs at this joke.” this is how privilege works amongst people who mean well. we are, each of us, super-sighted, and blind.

i love elaine carroll and everything she touches is gold. but i am really sad that i will not be able to enjoy her latest work. it is exceptionally crafted, and she has every right to make it. just as you have every right to cherish it.

but not if you plan on forgetting that we all smile at things that make others scream.

—

EDIT:

i wanted to add here that it is by no stretch an either/or proposition for me. i have seen many a great character of this type played by a great many people. i would watch shannon o’neill or katey healy-wurzburg play a creep over just about anything in the world. but to me what sets it apart is the internal logic of the character and the lack of judgment on the part of the performer—you can feel when someone’s doing something looking down. it’s the difference between larry the cable guy and red green. there’s a rape joke parallel here (the louis ck exception) but i need a nap so let’s just pretend i made it.

A well-made sandwich and a glass of milk.

Sat, 18 May 2013 12:03:38 -0400

A well-made sandwich and a glass of milk.

Hey gang. I just got my hands on a camera for the first time in many a moon (like with money i mean...

Mon, 06 May 2013 16:07:52 -0400

Hey gang. I just got my hands on a camera for the first time in many a moon (like with money i mean not through crass thievery) and I am just all sorts of itching to get acquainted with it. There’s a number of my own projects I’m excited to move forward on (all of which I will be bothering you about shortly), but I just wanted to put it out there that if you need someone to shoot anything you’ve been thinking ‘bout, I would absolutely love to help.

I know I felt trapped for years by thinking that there was some huge barrier to the means of production (look at me all having been to college), but that is silly and the solution is just to start making stuff until you realize there’s not.

So whether it’s a sketch or a short or even if you just want to fart around doing characters for an hour, I’ve got lots of time on my hands and would like nothing more than to help us both get better. You can reach me at justin.eric.grace@gmail.com if you think you’ve got something I’d be interested in (hint: you do), and we can start talking schedule and stuff.

Okay? Cool, stay hydrated.

ATTN: Open Mic Thief

Fri, 03 May 2013 14:37:21 -0400

Howdy.

I am writing this to warn you of a gentleman who committed willful theft at an open mic at Niagara Bar last night, in the hopes that something similar will not happen at your show.

The guy’s name is Brendan Kerr. I was sitting next to him last night. When it was his turn to go up, he had a poorly-received set and then tried to heckle the comedian that followed. She deftly shot him down, and he did not take it well. At this point, I got up to go to the bathroom, and he proceeded to intentionally steal my notebook, storming out of the bar in the process.

Keep in mind that we had absolutely ZERO interaction at this point in time; I just had the misfortune to be next to him. It easily could have happened to any other comic in the place. I have confirmation from several eyewitnesses, as well as confirmation from the man himself, that this was an intentional act conducted out of spite, and he has gleefully responded to my efforts to retrieve my book with the information that he will be making no efforts to return it.

Brendan is roughly 6’2” and 220 odd pounds. His appearance is that of about a 130% sized Mike Lawrence, to the point where I thought it was him when I first showed up. He has a bushy brown beard and square rounded glasses.

His act is very yell-y, and he is one of those underdeveloped comics who you can physically feel not listening to the audience. He also ran three lights despite getting no laughs, to give you an idea of the type. His material was unmemorable, but I do remember one bit about gay marriage where the punchline was him screaming “I’M OKAY WITH DOG MARRIAGE”.

If he shows up to your mic, or e-mails to get on, I would recommend keeping a strong eye on him, particularly after he gets off stage. My friend was sitting right next to the both of us and said he saw it happen in a flash but that he was out the door before anyone could stop him.

I have already reached out to the authorities with all the necessary information (he forgot he signed up for the mic with his work e-mail), so hopefully this matter will be resolved on my end, but that notebook represented the last four months of nightly development, and that is not something I ever want to see happen to anyone else. It was a stranger’s notebook this time, but if this is how he reacts to bombing, next time it could be a phone or a laptop. Be on the lookout.

And, if you wouldn’t mind, please feel free to pass this on to anyone else who you believe can benefit from this information.

Thanks for your time.

—

relevant rebloggable information for showrunners

(also part of my master plan to get a lynch mob turned on mike lawrence)

chrisreblogs: theangeladee: halphillips: eroto-thanatos: spac...

Thu, 02 May 2013 17:52:06 -0400

chrisreblogs:

theangeladee:

halphillips:

eroto-thanatos:

spacemarineloincloth:

oftheforest:

anagrammaton:

cunninglanguage:

tittybasket:

anagrammaton:

mermaid-vision:

“Then they would go out to eat.” I’m hoping this is either actually food or an allusion to head.

“There were two more entries.”

‘A manticore is a horrid monster having a man’s face, the body of a lion, leathery bat wings, and a tail ridged with spikes’

uh?????

“His fingers dug hard into her arm, expecting an answer.” GoT was not a good choice of book to determine anything about my sex life. Especially not when pg35 is full of Targaryens.

“A thin whisper of sound passed the broken mouth, forced out on a last puff of breath.” …………..well.

… … … … you wanna swap books? i wanna read what you’re reading.

WAIT THAT’S SOMEONE DYING I THOUGHT IT WAS SEX

Kind of maybe cheating since mine was a graphic novel (Perselpolis by Marjane Satrapi which YOU SHOULD REALLY READ):

‘Can you help me lace my shoes?’

Legit.

Perselpolis is fantastic btw

“At times she would come with me after work to a British-style pub called Dawson’s where ad men, travel agents and bankers hung out, and often she picked up a little Male something for herself, too.”

“Claiming that I had been slandered, I asked for an apology and a retraction of the false stories which all the press of Germany had copied, but I was simply laughed at for my trouble.”

Um …

“Then he goes back to sleep.” Sounds hot.

“The results strongly confirm the conclusions I have reached, by other means, about the etiology of depression.” So… this is bad, right?

“It is rumored among the brave and foolish who speculate on such matters that she may be as old as fifty.” …. Posted without comment.

“So the two of them got out the back way, climbing over a fence, weak with laughter and very affectionate, quick to fall into each other’s arms.”

Sup. I know ALL the good fences. (thank you, Joyce Carol)

patbaer: Bort! This joke is basically the genesis of every...

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 23:34:19 -0400

patbaer:

Bort!

This joke is basically the genesis of every improv move I have ever loved.

I am the lovable uncle for lots of reasons (like not having to live there anymore), but also...

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 08:38:20 -0400

I am the lovable uncle for lots of reasons (like not having to live there anymore), but also because, when you get right down to it, I’m the only one in the house who’ll get excited that you learned how to say “A.K.A”.

a list of weird jobs i have had in new york

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 13:19:49 -0400

for no other reason than i just saw a logo i hadn’t seen in years

- A cathedral security guard
- A baker
- A balloon deliverer
- A high-end furniture salesman
- An assistant to a guy who paints fake wood grain
- A truck rental agent
- A dude whose job it was to stand around the Bodies of dead Chinese prisoners

at the very least, i hope to have an obituary 20-year olds will find charming.

another saturday night and i ain’t got nobody

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 11:17:10 -0400

another saturday night
and i ain’t got nobody

This set I did on my birthday was more or less the best one of...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 13:36:00 -0400

This set I did on my birthday was more or less the best one of my life.

I didn’t record it because there was a dude with a camera there and I had a buncha trouble tracking him down so for four months I’ve just been biting my nails hoping it was as good as I remembered. Nothing ever is, but this is about as close as my brain will allow.

I haven’t done any of these in a while but it’s nice to be reminded of my continued commitment to moving like a weird bird at all times.

Anyway I tell jokes and it’s calming and heck I’d sure like to make you laugh at your show sometime.

hey you know what i really love about our era

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 16:50:53 -0400

not having to read shit anymore about how a lead singer’s boyfriend wrote all the good songs.

(this post brought to you by all these contemporary elastica reviews)

every Raymond Carver story

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 19:23:48 -0400

“honey i think it’s the moment before or after you have to move out”

“we’re two awful couples, drinking”

yeah it’s probably just gonna be chris bosh pictures from...

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 16:42:22 -0400

yeah it’s probably just gonna be chris bosh pictures from here on out

okay so this is my favorite poem

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 02:04:00 -0400

okay so this is my favorite poem

i don't wanna say i

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 22:48:00 -0400

its a thought that
theres a look every
body wears
that you
strut on the street
without thinking
(thinking ruins it)

and so some say
(some)
that it reflects your
level of attractiveness—
like how the prettiest
men are the ones who
seem the most
clueless about their beauty

or how because of that
the guys one floor down
get all haughty; they feel
they know what they’re
owed by the world
and it chisels their faces
with full expectation

from there you can
imagine the
grotesque internal ghosts
that produce the sights
on your steady commute,
and hopefully admire the
strength of those subjects

but so somewhere in the
world there’s probably a
person worried
his default disposition
is bemused concern.

did-you-kno: Source the most amount of context with the least...

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 23:24:30 -0400

did-you-kno:

Source

the most amount of context with the least amount of words

that the devil exists

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 14:46:24 -0400

Every time I pause at a crosswalk to let a car go, it winds up taking more time while the driver comes to terms with the idea someone would do that.

This happens regardless of whether or not I wave.

2+2=7

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 22:45:00 -0400

Well if you’re a man and slowly if
steadily mounting the stallion of age
sometimes you can’t piss, straight away,
and once i heard it worked to think bad math.

so for a few years the simple thought of an
incorrect equation
produced enough pee
to carry me through any
terrored shy or too-close stallmate

but eventually it quit working
got overthought
(because i started taking pride in it
it woke the worry that it would someday cease)

of course there have been other numbers, since
they stop, and start
but never quite like those
and so i don’t know what that says about existence
except,
yikes

"HAMID RAMOUZ (1818-1906) This morning I began a poem on Hamid Ramouz— soldier, scholar, desert..."

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 11:18:02 -0400

“

HAMID RAMOUZ (1818-1906)

This morning I began a poem on Hamid Ramouz—
soldier, scholar, desert explorer—
who died by his own hand, gunshot, at eighty-eight.

I had tried to read the dictionary entry on that curious man
to my son—we were after something on Raleigh—
but he was impatient, and rightly so.

It happened months ago, the boy is with his mother now
but I remembered the name: Ramouz—
and a poem began to take shape.

All morning I sat at the table,
hands moving back and forth over limitless waste,
as I tried to recall that strange life.

”

- HAMID RAMOUZ (1818-1906)
by Raymond Carver

(“, the boy is with his mother now,”)