February 2012
9 posts
“They call me Mister Pibb. It’s a mistake. They have me confused with a soda.”
Raise high the roof beam, carpenters,
Like Ares comes the bridegroom,
Taller far than a tall man.
Question:
What is the sound of an apostrophe?
I guess a sort of valentine.
Today, among other (stupid) things, marks the fifth anniversary of my father’s death.
As in previous years, I chose to commemorate the occasion by forgetting about it until well into the afternoon and greeting the remembrance with a bemused ache. This is my default mode of response to most everything in the world, and I guess it works as well as any other. Look at me, feeling a thing. How...
On a bus through Baltimore and I saw a billboard reading “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
Jed Resnik coaches Dog Court, and his dad is the guy who came up with that slogan some forty-odd years ago.
Which one of your thoughts is going to live that long?
Because you could have one any day.
This is my 100th post on Tumblr.
I would like to commemorate it by saying that I had a great date last night and I’m listening to Graceland right now and I feel like a king of the goddamn earth.
I am also at work cleaning up beer bottles.
We can find our happiness everywhere.
You know, I am walking to Bed Bath and Beyond right now and I am so happy I could just about burst.
I am happy with my friends, and my job, and my life. With the work I’m doing. The things I see.
I spent the last six months to a year in a toxic relationship with someone I couldn’t make happy no matter how hard I tried. Something like that creeps into the corners of your entire life. It makes you...
January 2012
6 posts
Norm Macdonald falling through a podium as Bob...
That is all.
Went back to my old Ridgewood neighborhood for the first time in years to get some mail.
Found myself thinking things like “Jorge’s Restaurant got a real sign? Good ON ya, Jorge! We doin’ this!”
I never belonged in Manhattan, not even for a minute.
Sometimes I think improv is a hard art to love. When you first encounter it, and fall in love, it’s because it seems so much like magic. Like all the time these secret wizards have been operating in the world, without you ever knowing they could exist.
But it doesn’t stay.
It stops being as good the second you start learning about it. Because the wires start to show. You begin...
My phone just autocorrected “sammy” to “danny.”
Well, okay. I guess I will get better named friends.
I have been trying to make healthier choices.
The last five times I ate burgers, I got singles instead of doubles.
All of them were in this calendar week.
December 2011
10 posts
Justin's 2011 Year in Review:
SUCKED.
Reason 3,212 Not To Know Me:
I will beat my brains out trying not to cause some small social discomfort (not looking you in the eyes, being distracted talking to you) but I will willfully inflict deep spiritual pain without thinking it through (today, all days).
J: the source magazine’s Homeboy of the Year Award
A: it goes to “weed”
The best laid plans of Boyz II Men
I realized tonight that often when I am talking to non-comics and they make jokes I am responding with smiles or laughter not to the actual joke, but the moment when their eyes look at me to indicate that they have told one. If I catch a dude out of the corner of my vision with joke eyes, I will always respond with a friendly affirmation of receipt.
Number one, this makes me think I am a nice...
Also, I guess most languages lose their luster when you realize people use them to say the exact stupid shit they would say in English.
I was trying to listen to the spaces between the language of my cab driver’s Arabic language talk radio station. I thought I had a big breakthrough in hearing the rhythm of funny and laughter across all boundaries.
And then they went to commercial.
Lorax: Ghost Protocol
Comedy
The way you tell a person a thing is true when you both know it isn’t, or shouldn’t be
Just a thing I thought
Igor Stravinsky Presents: Slut Fights (Vol. 2, DVD)
November 2011
27 posts
Just walked past Union Square K-Mart to find dudes holding up placards. Thought they were protestors at first. Then they started shouting “J-Wowww is in the building! J-Wowww in the building!” at disaffected passerby.
Somehow I get the feeling not a lot of people were in the building for J-Wowww.
Protip:
On an Exit sign, the negative space between the E and X forms a sideways house.
Happy Today.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the...”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (via myquotelibrary)
Had my ten year HS reunion this weekend and I read this quote in my speech at graduation. Weird timing, yooniverse.
I am hoping you were funnydictorian.
I just realized that the reason so many “OFF” buttons don’t work on taxi cab video screens is because that’s the only part of the screen people try to touch.
Part of my Riding In Cabs series. I’m the Seinfeld of dudes who make poor decisions with income.
There exists, somewhere, the first woman to bring an actual pair of pantyhose to wave during a live performance of The Real Slim Shady.
She has loudly told her friends about this on a number of occasions. They laugh, always.
There also exists, in one corner or another, 10,000 other women who do the exact same thing.
In Which I Compare Improv To A Food
What is the purpose of white sauce on a gyro?
To me, it’s to mitigate the flavor of the hot sauce. I normally find hot sauce offensive. It attacks your tastebuds and makes things unpleasant.
But on a gyro? It’s spread out. It sizzles, rather than burns. And it’s all the more delicious.
At this level, everyone can be hot sauce. It’s easy, and it impresses no one. You...
I can’t believe how many stars exist at home.
How big a fool was I to not notice this?
Why does no one ever endow me in scenes as Macy...
I do a great Macy Gray.
You know, if dancing is code for sex in old music, then Twistin’ The Night Away is a song about Sam Cooke watching people fuck.
I love Thomas Pynchon. Love him. When I finish Mason & Dixon, I will have read everything he’s ever written.
But I could reeeeeally do without the songs.
http:// →
Will, I am at work right now and rereading some of your posts, and I just thought someone should say, if no one has:
Soft-serve ice cream comes in cups.
That’s why people laughed at that joke.
improvnonsense:
Improv can make you funnier, will likely make you a better actor, and could maybe even get you work. But one thing it will definitely do is make you better at having...
Okay, so the details are hazy, and I haven’t read the book in a minute, but this crept into my mind last night and the possibility blew me away:
Isn’t Atticus the one who tells Scout very sternly that it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird?
And later, when he has to kill the dog, isn’t it a surprise to Scout that Atticus has any skill with a gun at all? And doesn’t...
Anybody looking to pick up a PA gig next Tuesday and Wednesday?
I had to drop out and wanted to help find a replacement. Pay is 150 for 10 hours, driver’s license necessary.
Pass this on to whoever you think may be interested.
This doesn’t exist on Tumblr, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be passed around like candy.
Alexis Pereira, ladies and gents:
alexpereira:
Improv baseball analogies:
Because we say improv team and coach, I really am starting to think about improvisers as pitchers and their moves as pitches. The idea is you want to strike out the audience, and when the audience is ahead...
Fun game discovered while watching Drive:
Every time Ryan Gosling stares way too long into the distance after killing someone, imagine him thinking, in a cartoon henchman’s voice, “I’ve gotta DRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!”
Some taxicabs now allow you to turn off the Welcome graphics.
Never forget that every age we live in is one of progress.
Remember, remember, the tenth of November
The Republican debate that we got
When Rick Perry was asked, if he could recall his opinion
And Rick Perry replied:
He could not.
I for one am proud that Eddie Murphy took a stand for dudes who say “faggot.”
Finally, someone had the guts.
I am going to see Jeff fucking Mangum this Sunday.
There is no part of me that knows how to process that.
I just found myself shocked that no one has tried to bite off an athlete’s penis.
Considering the general moral ineptitude of most major athletes and the vindictive childishness of most of the admirers they attract, I would think this would have happened on at least one high-profile occasion.
Perhaps I need to look at larger-reaching statistics of dick biting within society, but it seems...
A thought experiment, discovered during my lunch...
Try to track the flight paths of three flies in your field of vision without losing track or focusing on any one.
This has something to do with improv, I’m sure of it.
A lot of the time, when I'm the one asking for the...
yourfriendmitch:
This makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.
That means they like you, honest. You break the tension of the start of the show in a way they find appealing. The relief from that just comes out as laughter. That’s what I tell myself, anyhow.